Warren heard the opening notes of Hole’s Reasons to Be Beautiful. He opened his eyes and saw he was in a bar. The bartender looked emaciated. His hair was spiky to the point where it resembled a patch of needles. He had a black vest, unbuttoned, and a grey t-shirt that read, “Pretty done.” He poured Fireball over the ice in Warren’s glass.
The bartender grinned and said, “Welcome to Hell. I’m Lucifer, your new best friend.”
“Pfft. Yeah, right,” said Warren. He took a sip.
“You don’t believe me? Well, I suppose I should know better than argue with a customer, huh?” Lucifer leaned in. Now he grinned like a little boy with a dirty joke in mind. “Where are you?”
“What do you mean? I’m in a bar.”
“Yeah, but how did you get in here? You don’t remember?”
Warren felt his pockets. His keys were there, but the memory of getting behind the wheel was absent.
“Maybe I’ve had too much to drink?”
“Keep telling yourself that. You had too much to drink, and that’s how you ended up in a dark bar with no doors.”
Warren spun around on his stool. There were other patrons at the bar, and more in booths behind him. An all-girl punk band performed on stage in the next room. They were all dressed like Catholic schoolgirls. An upside-down neon crucifix glowed on the wall behind them. By all appearances, it was the sort of place Warren found appealing except for the lack of doors or windows.
“Shit,” he said. “How did I get here?”
Lucifer did a little dance as he chugged from the Fireball. He spilled some onto the counter laughing at Warren.
“Allow me to subtly and cryptically explain: you were on the fifth floor of your office building. You felt the wind on your face, the sun on your skin. Birds were chirping, and then you went splat!”
Warren’s face fell. “I didn’t jump.”
Lucifer stood tall and faced the band. “Ladies, how did Warren here come on by?”
They practically sang it. “Warren jumped! Warren jumped! Warren fuckin’ jumped!”
“And over three hundred dollars!” Lucifer slapped his hand on the countertop. “Seriously, I’ve had guys do themselves in because they knocked up their secretaries. Someone did it because he ran over a guy while high. There was even a kid from Tokyo who did it because he got an A-. And yes, there have been folks who suicide over money. Happens all the time during economic downturns. But you snort the proverbial coke off a stripper’s ass. Don’t believe me?”
Lucifer stood aside so Warren could look at the mirror behind him. Warren didn’t see his reflection, but he saw himself. Splat was the right adjective. His body was on the pavement behind the building near the entrance to the subterranean parking structure. He’d jumped down to a concrete walkway by a little garden. One of his legs was curled up in an unnatural way so the ankle was beside his belt, and his radius poked out through the skin. His shirt and side were popped open like a balloon full of blood and something yellow. The top half of his head was gone. A halo of brain surrounded it. Police cordoned off the area and examined the body. Simultaneously, Warren saw his coworkers Christy and Madeline in their offices giving statements. Christy’s mouth hung open with tears down her cheeks. Madeline held her head in her hands barely able to keep herself together.
He couldn’t hear them, but he knew what they were saying.
“He was all right this morning,” said Madeline.
“I said hello when I got in,” said Christy. “He started to panic five or ten minutes later.”
Lucifer shrugged, and the mirror returned to normal. Warren saw a dumbfounded look on his face. He knocked back the rest of the Fireball and wiped the excess from the corners of his lips, but it was clear from the welling tears in his eyes that he was close to breaking down.
“And that, friend, is the end of one Warren Whitford.” Lucifer drew a fresh glass. He poured vodka, prinkled some powder, and added a splash of something from an unmarked bottle. “Here. My own special concoction. It’s made with red chili flakes and the tears of unborn children. Thanks to your people’s hard-on for abortions, I never run out of it. Go on. Give it a try. It’ll make you feel better. I promise.”
Warren wasn’t sure how much trust he should put in Lucifer’s promise. The thought of doing so brought to mind images of southern evangelists screaming about the empty words of Beelzebub and “them liberals.” But when he sipped the drink, he found its effects were as advertised. He felt a sense of calm. His hands and arms usually went numb when he was very stressed. They felt that way when he went up onto the balcony. Now he had full feeling in both of them.
“So now what?” he asked. “Am I going to burn for all eternity? Are demons going to carve me up?”
Lucifer pretended to think deeply. “Uhhhhhh, no. Now you get to kick your feet up and relax, dude. Have some drinks. Listen to some music. Maybe later I’ll introduce you to this succubus I know. She’ll rock your underworld.”
“One sec.” Lucifer went to speak with one of his employees. He came back and started a round of drinks for a booth. “No torment. You’ve lived a pretty decent life. You didn’t kill anybody. You told a white lie or two, but who hasn’t? You committed suicide, so the rulebook says you’ve gotta be here, but there are different levels of Hell. Punishing you because of a terrible job market is like punishing gingers for having red hair. It’s beyond your control. Now the guy who cheated you, oh, I’m going to grab him by the hips and fuck him hard. I mean, hard!”
Warren said, “Sitting around doing nothing sounds pretty hellish to me.”
“You’ll get used to it. Just relax and free your mind, man.” Lucifer laughed. “I’m sorry. I sound like God right now. Fuckin’ hippie, that guy. But no, just do your thing. Make some friends. Check out the band. You don’t even have to be confined to the counter. Make yourself at home, because that’s exactly what this place is now. You and I are gonna hang out for a long, long time, palomino.”
Warren took another look at the place. It seemed so much larger than a few minutes before, so full of possibility. The dim light seemed to brighten. It felt less like a place and more like a thing, like a giant creature in which everyone was a cell, every conversation a fiber of the nervous system, and every beat of music a breath. He saw people walking in and out of the restroom, because even in Hell people have to pee. A flight of stairs by the restrooms went up to a door.
Warren pointed them out to Lucifer. “Hey, I thought you said there were no doors here.”
“Oh, that’s the balcony. You have to check that out. We got barrels of jungle juice up there with a layer of foam a foot thick. Ski shots. Everyone loves everyone, and you might find your one and only too. You can even smoke up there.”
“There are smoking and nonsmoking sections in Hell?”
“Of course.” Lucifer frowned. “That shit’s bad for you, dude.”
Warren finished his drink and made for the stairs. Away from the band below, it got quieter, but he could hear people on the other side of the door. The party sounded like a scene from The Great Gatsby with Motley Crue doing the soundtrack. Warren thought he could hear She Goes Down as he put his hand on the door. He pushed it open. A red light poured out over him.
Mario Piumetti was born and raised in Los Angeles. He earned his Bachelor’s degree in English from California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks, and his MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University in Los Angeles. His writing has been featured at Arts Collide and The Horror Zine. An avid music lover, his work is heavily influenced by rock, punk, and metal. Mario is also a staff writer for the dark culture magazine Carpe Nocturne. You can find out more at his blog: My Corner of the Catacombs.